1,356 days.

Let me paint an image for you: it’s early October. The leaves have begun to change up and down High Street and fall to the ground. Football season is well underway; there’s an undeniable buzz that never fails to surround the entirety of campus during football season. Maybe you’re a freshman, fresh-faced and excited to begin this new chapter of your life. Or, maybe you’re a sophomore or a junior, feeling confident and at home on a campus that until recently felt so large and unfamiliar. Or, perhaps you are a senior experiencing your final autumn semester on campus.

How long did it take you to fall in love with Ohio State? If you were lucky it may have been the first time you came to campus for a campus tour. Was it the first time you sang Carmen Ohio along with 100,000 people in Ohio Stadium? Or, maybe it was later that semester at your first Light Up The Lake event. Perhaps it wasn’t until your sophomore or even your junior year that you felt a connection so undeniable that it hurt you to think about leaving this place.

Maybe the moment you fell in love was one night when you were up late with your roommates ordering too much food and binge watching your favorite Netflix series. Or, maybe it was standing in line with your best friends at 2am in Canes, only to question that decision the next morning. Was it that one Toosday night?

August 22, 2012 – May 8, 2016

1,356 days.
32,544 hours.
1,952,640 minutes.
117,158,400 seconds.

At some point in the last 1,328 days I fell in love with this place. The love I hold for this place is what causes me to hurt when I think about leaving. I’m safe and whole here in these memories I have created. I share them with my friends. They are the people who will always understand what these four years have meant to me.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. You’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this exact time and this exact place because you’ll never be this way ever again.

Ohio State is something that will forever be a part of me. It will also always be a part of you. You may leave this amazing campus and this amazing city, but when you do return, it will always feel like you’re coming home. In 28 days I will walk across Ohio Stadium and successfully finish my greatest achievement so far in my 22 years.

I hope that whenever it’s time for you to leave, you remember the moments that made you fall in love with this place. I know I will. Toos on Tuesday. Running home to my sorority house on Bid Day. $1.50 double wells at Out R Inn. Singing Carmen in The Shoe. Witnessing the Buckeyes win the National Championship. Late nights in the Union planning incredible events for the student body. And, of course, hungover Sundays with my roommates watching too much HGTV.

28 days to go.



Pura Vida

When I decided to attend Ohio State around this time four years ago, I had no idea what my undergraduate experience would have in store for me. Coming from the bubble that is Loveland, OH, it was important to me to push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things. I joined an amazing organization that has allowed me to serve as a leader for some of the largest campus events offered to students. I was initiated into a sorority that has shaped me into the woman I am today. I have gained lifelong friendships, and I have experienced relationships that have broke me, proving that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

Going into my senior year, my biggest fear was burning out. I didn’t want the stress of the lingering unknown to hinder me from living completely in the moment of my last year of college. On somewhat of a whim, I applied to participate in an international service trip to Costa Rica. The trip sounded like fun, and the idea of spending a week in a warm place during winter break was definitely appealing. Little did I know that this trip would impact the entirety of my senior year.

I spent the first week of 2016 serving a small community in the jungles of Costa Rica. They are a part of the indigenous Bri Bri tribe located in the southern part of the country near the boarder with Panama. The family we were with specifically lives together in a small area of land with their primary economic export being the cocoa bean. Their community is completely separate from modern civilization, making their lifestyle much more simplistic than the one we live in in the States. When we arrived, we found out they were facing one of the most difficult times of their lives: the leader of their family, Don Guillermo, was hospitalized with cancer.

Our service revolved around the dream of Don Guillermo: building a modernized chocolate factory in order to exponentially increase the production of cocoa coming from their community. We worked on a variety of projects around the chocolate factory, as well as down in the jungle clearing a path from the river to the community. Through this work as well as other downtime, we were constantly interacting with members of the community with the majority of our time spent with the kids.

The turning point and the most intense part of the trip came on the fourth day. We were gearing up to play games with the children when life altering news came: their great grandfather and the leader of the community had passed away. Having lost my own grandma to cancer, I could relate to the pain the entire community was feeling. However, I could not begin to wrap my head around what it must have felt like to lose the leader and the rock of their small community. It was after 20 minutes of us sitting in utter silence listening to the children crying off in the distance that the most touching moment of the trip occurred: one by one, each of the children that we had come to love filed back into the building we were in. They sat down next to us, and then we continued on with what we had originally planned to do.

It is impossible to put this Buck-I-SERV trip into words. The friendships I made and the things we experienced together are something that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. It was the perfect motivation I needed going into my final semester of my undergraduate career. To my Buck-I-SERV family: thank you. Your friendships and memories are now some of my favorite from my college experience. My Ohio State experience would be vastly different if it wasn’t for all of you. I’m looking forward to spending this semester – my last semester – with all of you. Pura Vida!

You Deserve Better.

I woke up this morning feeling empty. It’s an unsettling feeling – a void of emotion. I am not sure whether to feel sad, angry or upset. Maybe I should feel relieved or at peace? This emptiness is not a new feeling for me; I have felt it one too many times in 2015. Although not nearly as severe as the last time, it still leaves me at a loss.

Today’s hookup culture makes it so easy to experience a breakup without having ever been in an exclusive relationship. The limbo of friends or something more and the lack of emotional commitment but still engaging in a physical relationship sets too many people up for disappointment. Why should we have to feel all the lows that accompany a breakup without experiencing the highs that come with true, committed relationships? Maybe that is our karma for actively engaging in such relationships. Maybe that is what we get for being too afraid or unwilling to give ourselves wholly to someone else.

Don’t go searching for happiness in the place where you lost it. Let me repeat that one more time. Don’t go searching for happiness in the place where you lost it. It is a statement that I myself need to take to heart. It is too easy to get wrapped up in the actions that you and that other person engage in, even knowing the fallout that inevitably always occurs.

Every person on this planet deserves to find that one person who really wants to get to know him or her. We deserve to go dates and we deserve to see each other in places other than behind closed doors. We deserve to feel confident in opening up emotionally to someone else. We deserve to feel wanted – 100% completely wanted – and we deserve to reciprocate that desire without question.

2015, you have been a roller coaster. The ups and the downs have left me shaken and breathless. They have allowed me – whether I liked it or not – to take a hard look at myself and grow significantly as a person. I will not miss you, but I have learned a lot from you.

Here’s to 2016. To good vibes and great football. To getting to travel the world and experience new cultures. And, most importantly, to loving myself and to finding happiness in a new place. I hope you as a reader can find some peace in this message the way I have in writing it. And, as always, go Bucks.

Best Thing I Never Had

Being able to relate to the feelings expressed in one of Taylor Swift’s love songs is something that, at some point, a lot of teenage girls have dreamed of. Songs such as Enchanted and Love Story make love look easy and something out of a fairytale; they don’t address the hard side of relationships or the emotions that are felt when a relationship ends. They romanticize the reality of interpersonal relationships.

As many of you know, 2015 became the year I experienced my first broken heart. The events that transpired in April of this year left me questioning myself and wondering how I managed to find myself in the situation was in. I was broken and completely demoralized. I hated that a man had the ability to make me feel so small, and I hated the fact that I had been seemingly blind to his true character. Over the course of the summer, as well as this semester, I have slowly put the pieces of my destroyed trust back together. Although badly burned, I was determined not to let this man affect my happiness any longer.

This semester hasn’t been easy. The fallout from the events that occurred last April still linger, and recently I have found myself pushing back against some untrue statements about my character. These people haven’t taken the chance to get to know me or understand the role that this relationship has played in my life. It’s been frustrating and hurtful all at the same time.

Recently, I was working on a research paper for class that required me to analyze Beyonce’s music videos. As I clicked through her videos, I came across Best Thing I Never Had. After watching it through once, I found myself clicking replay over and over again. The empowering anthem takes how I feel towards the man who hurt me and puts them into words.

you don’t deserve my tears // I guess that’s why they ain’t there // when I think of a time when I almost loved you // you showed your ass and I saw the real you

thank God you blew it // thank God I dodged a bullet // I’m so over you // baby good looking out

I used to want you so bad // I’m so through with that // cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had

My relationship with him and the continuing effects it has on my interactions and consequently new relationships I have formed this semester has been a learning experience like no other. Although it has forced me to work through a lot of negative thoughts and emotions, I have grown in ways I never imagined I would. I can now confidently say that I did, in fact, dodge a bullet and I am so glad that he blew it. I am so much better off without him in my life.

Thank God I found the good in goodbye.


“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert

Today, I got lunch with the man who broke my heart. Yes, you read that right. I sat down face-to-face at the campus Qdoba with the man who hurt me deeper than anyone had hurt me before. As you can imagine, it was nothing short of sufficiently awkward. The conversation was stiff and quiet. There weren’t many smiles exchanged. We ate, we talked, and then we left, walking our separate ways down High Street.

Some may wonder why I willingly put myself in that situation; truth is, I don’t think I even know exactly why. The last time I had spoken to him, I spilled out all the pent-up emotion that I had bottled up over the summer. I was determined to make sure he understood the depth of my pain and to make it clear what he had put me through. I admit that that conversation was one-sided and accusatory, but at the time it’s what I needed.

Shortly after, I started to feel the pangs of remorse. The words I spoke weren’t kind, and part of me felt as if I had stooped too low. Those were not the last words I wanted to hang between us. So after weeks of typing out the text about going to lunch only to delete it five minutes later, I pressed the send button.

Going into lunch, I didn’t know what to expect. Walking out, I realized just how much I have healed. I sat across from the man who broke my heart and I felt nothing. I wasn’t happy to see him, but I also wasn’t angry. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t nervous. And I most certainly didn’t want him back.

This void of emotion is strange. As human beings, our feelings are typically intense whether that be an intense happiness or an intense sadness. When was the last time you felt absolutely nothing? The void in emotion was both comfortable and unsettling, but it made me realize just how much I’ve grown. I’ve moved on. And today was the final turn of the page in that chapter. I closed the book. And Evy, if you ever read this, thank you for changing me into the woman I am today. I like her more anyway.

Our Last Year.

The beginning of a person’s senior year of college is bittersweet. It’s the beginning of the first of the lasts; the last first day of school. The first game in our last football season as students. The last fall semester we have on Ohio State’s campus. Inevitably as we make our way through this year, the list will continue to grow. Our last Mirror Lake Jump. Our last home football game as students. Our last sorority recruitment. Our last semester.

I’ll admit – it’s hard not to get sad when I think about all of this. This life that we’ve grown so accustomed to over the last three years is coming to an end and there’s not much we can do about it. College was the first time we all left home and lived on our own for the first time. However, we always went back and when we went back there was never anything to worry about. We aren’t yet truly on our own.

This all being said, I believe my senior year of college will be my best year. I’m surrounded by my best friends. The Ohio State Buckeyes are the Undisputed National Champions. We are more than established with our respective organizations, serving as those people who the younger members look up to. I think back on the last three years – especially last year – and I think, “How am I going to top this?”

I’ll tell you. I’m going to live 100% in the present. I challenge you to do the same. There are too many things about college that we take for granted that once these years are finished that we will never going to have again. Cherish every moment you can get with your friends. One of your best friends asks you to go grocery shopping with him? Go. That’s more time spent together because who knows where you both will be this time in a year. Go to that OUAB event despite having an exam the next day. Hell, go out to Toos on Tuesday despite having an exam on Wednesday. These are the final months spent in the place that has become our home, and we need to take complete advantage of that.

This year will be filled with stress, anxiety and definitely a lot of tears. But through all of that, this will be the year that I make the best memories with my best friends at the best school in the country. I am so insanely excited. So here’s to senior year; to the last times we spend too much money spent on shitty alcohol at campus bars, to the last times we actually worry about preparing for exams and to the last times we will willingly go into establishments like Bullwinkles. It’s going to be a great year. Go Bucks.

50 Shades of Tinder.

I don’t know about all of you, but I think that Tinder is incredibly entertaining. My favorite thing about the app is how similar the pictures that pop up can be. While every guy is different, there are definitely distinct categories of men. It’s also funny to see what men think we as women find attractive. Vise versa, I’m sure men are equally entertained by our profiles. This being said, I want to take a moment to outline a handful of the common personalities based on the first picture that appears.

The Nature Boy – We all know this guy. His name is probably Travis and he’s the guy who pops up holding some sort of dead animal. These animals can range from fish to deer, and usually he is decked out in camo. I’m still trying to figure out why guys think we females like to see pictures of these dead creatures because honestly, the second I see a dead fish and/or a bloody animal carcass I swipe left.

The Prom King – This guy is great. Although I am 21 years old and have my age preferences set at 20-24, there are still guys in this range that have pictures of themselves from high school. His name is Zach or Ryan. Sometimes his pictures are from prom, but other times they are pictures from when he used to be the star player for his high school football team. I can dig it; there’s about a 50/50 chance I’ll swipe right.

The Family Man – This guy is either really awesome or he’s super sketchy. I haven’t quite decided how I feel about him. Often named Matt or Aaron, he will post pictures with pretty girls around his age or small children. Yeah – a little weird, right? I think so. But my favorite part is in his profile when he makes sure to answer the question that he thinks we all have: “we’re not dating she’s my sister” or “they’re my cousins not my kids.” Thanks, Matt/Aaron. I really appreciated that clarification. I might swipe right.

The Social Butterfly – This guy is so annoying and like Travis, he gets an automatic left swipe. His name is Ben or Jake and his first picture is of a group of guys so you can’t tell which one is him. Well guess what, Ben/Jake. I don’t have the patience to click on your picture and look at your individual profile to figure out which one you are. This means you’re getting the axe. The only exception comes when I think every guy in the picture is attractive. That’s when you might get the right swipe. But only maybe.

The Yo Pro – “Hi my name is John and here is a picture of me in a suit at my job.” Hi, John. It’s nice to meet you. I’m glad you’re taking to Tinder to let me know that you have some cool corporate job and that you live a cool yo pro lifestyle. While the boasting is half annoying and half impressive, John usually tends to be pretty attractive. He normally gets the elusive right swipe.

The Mirror Selfie – This isn’t even worth an explanation. I do not care about what your abs look like in your mirror, Kyle. I swipe left. I always swipe left.