There’s something really exciting when you meet someone new and you just click. The banter is relaxed and easy, your heart skips a beat when he texts you for the first time and you can’t help but smile when you talk about him. Although it may not be anything serious, there’s something comforting in the idea of getting to know someone and knowing that he wants to get to know you too. If it works out, these curiosities can turn into something great. However, if it’s not in the cards, more times than not, someone ends up getting burned.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been working through the end of a relationship. I use the term relationship loosely though; I’m not sure what to call it. In a culture where labels are deemed the enemy and are seen as things that cause anxiety and fear, it’s hard to define relationships. The word “friend” is not as simple and straight-forward as it used to be. I don’t know what to call two friends that kiss, but I do know that that’s not what we are anymore.
When I try to make sense of my emotions, I turn to music. While I pride myself on being a good communicator and a good writer, sometimes it’s hard to put what I’m feeling into words. This being said, I don’t actively seek out a song. It usually happens while I’m focusing on something else. And when it does, it almost always knocks the breath out of me.
Wonderland is a bonus track from Taylor Swift’s album, 1989. While I had heard it plenty of times prior to Friday night, I never thought much of it. But then, like I described above, it hit me.
We found Wonderland // You and I got lost in it // And we pretended it could last forever
We found Wonderland // You and I got lost in it // And life was never worse but never better // In Wonderland
Although I haven’t completely lost the relationship, it has been difficult knowing that I’m not what he wants anymore. I don’t know if that’s the right way to say it, but it’s the only way that’s coming to mind at the moment. He cares about me still, which is something he has told me plenty of times and is something I believe with my entire soul. It’s a strange mix of emotions.
This is where my girl Taylor comes in clutch. Life was never worse, but also never better. There are moments where I feel sad. There are moments where I feel angry. There are moments where I feel hurt. However, how lucky am I that he is willing to talk through all of of this with me? I am so lucky that he wants to put in the effort to maintain our friendship, despite a looming 2,500 mile barrier that will be this summer.
That being said, summer is coming. I have an incredible internship lined up, I’ll be in my college town with a few of my best friends and the weather is getting warmer. Life is fantastic right now, and I honestly couldn’t ask for anything else. I’m surrounded by a group of amazing friends and I have an amazing family. I’m only a year away from receiving a college degree from the greatest university in the world. I’m incredibly lucky for what I have, and I’m incredibly lucky to have met this man and formed a friendship with him. If he’s reading this and has made it this far, he knows this is about him by now. Thank you for being you, and thank you for challenging me in new ways. I appreciate it more than you know.